At the end of July, I was asked how I felt knowing my husband and I would most likely have the most children out of his siblings. My response was that it saddened me. Both of us grew up in large families - 7 siblings each - and I personally enjoyed it. It wasn't always easy, but I never wished I had less siblings or that I had been an only child. It also saddened me because I would love for my children to have many cousins with whom they can build friendships and go on adventures. A bigger family made sense to me on so many levels.
The following month was when I experienced my discontentment. Previously, I had said I wanted to wait until our youngest was a year old and completely weaned before being pregnant again. After that, whatever happened, happened. But my baby weaned just shy of 10 months old. When engorgement finally settled, it felt pretty good to have my body to myself again. I began to think we should wait longer before being open to another child. I wanted my body to myself for as long as possible. The idea of having another baby so soon did not appeal to me anymore.
My cycle returned shortly after. All I could think about was how I did not want to get pregnant. I was so afraid to get pregnant. We already had two. What was the "rush" to have more?
There are always valid reasons to avoid a pregnancy. Financial concerns, the mental, physical, and emotional health of the mother are all important to consider. But for me, my reasons were totally selfish. I didn't want to share myself or my body so closely with another person. This was my body, and I was convinced I would cry if I got pregnant again before I was ready.
The long weekend in September, both my husband and I received comments toward the size our family or was going to be. My husband was told we are bound to have 8 kids, because he had married a good Catholic girl. A stranger in a group I was conversing with made a comment along the lines of negativity toward big families. Her conclusion was that people with big families are crazy for having so many children. She asked if I had a lot of kids and, in my current state of mind toward pregnancy, I scoffed a bit and said we only had two and that was enough for now.
That same weekend, we went out on a date. The waitress asked if we had any post-dinner plans. I said we would just be picking up our kids. She asked how many, and I replied that we had two. She then asked if we would have more. My answer was that we would probably have more (I knew we would, but I was not open for it to be time). My husband, on the other hand, said "not that many more."
Those three comments, all in one weekend, got me thinking. It irked me that so many people had opinions or a curiosity towards our choice to have more kids. This post was originally much more angry and pointed to how it was no one's business.
The long weekend in September, both my husband and I received comments toward the size our family or was going to be. My husband was told we are bound to have 8 kids, because he had married a good Catholic girl. A stranger in a group I was conversing with made a comment along the lines of negativity toward big families. Her conclusion was that people with big families are crazy for having so many children. She asked if I had a lot of kids and, in my current state of mind toward pregnancy, I scoffed a bit and said we only had two and that was enough for now.
That same weekend, we went out on a date. The waitress asked if we had any post-dinner plans. I said we would just be picking up our kids. She asked how many, and I replied that we had two. She then asked if we would have more. My answer was that we would probably have more (I knew we would, but I was not open for it to be time). My husband, on the other hand, said "not that many more."
Those three comments, all in one weekend, got me thinking. It irked me that so many people had opinions or a curiosity towards our choice to have more kids. This post was originally much more angry and pointed to how it was no one's business.
I thought that was it. I could write out my emotions and feel better. But I continued to stew over the topic. Why do I have to defend our choice of life, but am praised or encouraged when I chose the view of "it's my body"? I thought about if we were to get pregnant again, how I'd feel like I have to defend the natural occurrence of pregnancy when husband and wife love each other, and yet how people would make me feel embarrassed and even ashamed. The comments would attack and make us seem irresponsible, when we are ultimately claiming responsibility for our actions by choosing life.
Pregnancy is one of the visible signs of my love for my husband and my family. In growing a tiny human, I am demonstrating the beauty of sacrificial love I hope my children will one day live in their lives. I am saying yes to my vocation as a wife and as a mother. It is nothing but beautiful. It is a statement of love. And yet society makes us feel ashamed and embarrassed because we choose to show our love for one another in one of the most natural ways within a marriage.
So next time we announce a pregnancy to friends or family, I refuse to give the reaction being forced upon us. I am not ashamed the love I possess for my family, and I am not embarrassed to be entrusted with the care of another soul. I will always be excited about my family, and will always be excited when I have the opportunity to grow our love and life.
~Emilie
Pregnancy is one of the visible signs of my love for my husband and my family. In growing a tiny human, I am demonstrating the beauty of sacrificial love I hope my children will one day live in their lives. I am saying yes to my vocation as a wife and as a mother. It is nothing but beautiful. It is a statement of love. And yet society makes us feel ashamed and embarrassed because we choose to show our love for one another in one of the most natural ways within a marriage.
So next time we announce a pregnancy to friends or family, I refuse to give the reaction being forced upon us. I am not ashamed the love I possess for my family, and I am not embarrassed to be entrusted with the care of another soul. I will always be excited about my family, and will always be excited when I have the opportunity to grow our love and life.
~Emilie
No comments:
Post a Comment