In following my previous post, my discontentment didn't disappear completely. I knew what I wanted in theory, but I couldn't see past my own fear and uncertainty. Nervousness crept in every time I thought about the changes I wanted to make.
These changes would effect my whole family. I wanted to pray more as an individual, as a family, and as a couple. I wanted to move our TV downstairs and out of our main living area where the boys play. The final change I was hoping to make was to look into and implement some of the Montessori approach to learning into my toddlers lives. From what I have read and seen over on Fishies In a Row, it would be beneficial for the boys. It also looked like the perfect way to prepare for homeschooling down the road, something I desire to do for my children, but have little confidence in my ability.
The churning in my stomach could rival a stormy sea. I didn't know where to start and doubts filled my mind. I wanted to do these things, but I was terrified. What if I failed? What if my husband didn't want to join me in prayer? What if moving the TV was a disaster? On bad days, it was an all too convenient "life saver". And Montessori seemed so amazing, but did I have the ability to follow through?
What if I fail?
I reached out to a friend in my nervousness and asked for her prayers. I knew in my heart I needed to do these things, but my doubt clouded my judgment. That afternoon, I began reading "A Mother's Rule of Life" by Holly Pierlot. Within the first chapter, she addressed my fears and they were blown away. Gone was the churning and fear every time I thought of my changes. In a paragraph, God had revealed to me what was possible to accomplish with him. The author's situation may have been different, but the message was still applicable.
Without trying, I will fail. God cannot bless inaction. In order for blessings to flow, I first needed to take the leap and make an effort. It may take some time, but if we keep at it, God will bless our efforts. We only need to be prepared to give it our all.
Shortly after this realization, we reorganized our basement and moved the TV and a couch downstairs. So far, the benefits outweigh the cons. The kids play more and no is an accepted answer when a show is requested. There is more space for them to run and play. It may been a bigger mess to clean, but it is also an opportunity to teach them how to tidy their toys and take responsibility.
I'm so glad we made this positive change and I look forward to the ones to come.
